Toy Dog Breeds: A Modest Proposal

This one’s for the dog lovers out there.

I am warning you up front, you may be left with a case of the Boo Hoos after this. I’m only going to warn you this time, and then it’s all on you.

Pugs and Chihuahuas should not exist. For that matter, most toy breeds should not.

Don’t @ me about how Pugs were valued by Chinese Emperors of old. That just shows poor judgement on their part. Also, you’re not a Chinese Emperor of old, and if you are, how the fuck did you get here? And I don’t wanna hear your frothing, spittle-flecked rage about how Chihuahuas were equally valued in South America. Don’t even come near me with that shit about how Pomeranians have the finest coats of hair.

Don’t come to me with these tired arguments, because I’m going to lay it out for you. Human beings are miserable shits because over countless centuries and millenia, we fuckin turned wolves into little tiny yappie things that shiver themselves to death when they’re not having asthma attacks.

Now I get it, that little Mini Cockapoo is your bestie. Well I once knew a Pug named Gary that used to swill beer with the best of my Army buddies, but that didn’t make it an apex predator.

I get why we have certain working dogs, like the varied subgroups of Collies and Shepherds and Pointers and Retrievers, et al. They each perform a function that helped humanity out, somewhere along the way. It only made sense that those straggler wolves who were being enticed to hang out around early humans’ waste piles were going to evolve a little bit into new species. Over time they just naturally figured out ways to adapt to its surroundings and function in a very specific way.


Just like this heckin good dog right here, pictured while providing an invaluable service to nearby humans. Magnifique!

But come on. The toy breeds are like mosquitoes or koalas, in that that have pretty much no real practical application beyond getting carried around in a purse or drinking my last Coors Light. YOU BUY YOUR OWN GODDAMN COORS LIGHTS, GARY!


Worse than that really, we’ve engineered them over time to be distant horrific caricatures of their (maybe) once-proud selves. In the last century this has happened to a lot of breeds a heckuva lot faster than it’d been happening in the past, because the globe got a bit more interconnected and people started getting wayyyyyy more interested in genetics.

Anyway, what I’m saying is that if you see any of these dogs, please use that sighting as a reminder for two things:

  1. That since human beings did this to these animals (nature wouldn’t have come up with this shit on its own) it is to our eternal shame as a species; and
  2. If we rounded all of the toy breeds up we could use them as food for the coming Food Riots of the Climate Changed Era.

Thank you for coming to my Pub Talk.

One comment

  1. […] This is a modern tale of American Gumption. About what we can do if we roll up our sleeves. There’s a lot to be done, after all. So, I propose something humble. I’d say modest, but I already used that one for my idea concerning Toy Dogs. […]

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