America’s Cult Problem

I’d like to begin by stating up front, in a kind, respectful and diplomatic manner, “NO ONE’S COMING TO TAKE YOUR GUNS, YOU FUCKING CUNT!” Not your guns, not my guns, not the cop’s guns, not the judge’s guns, not the teacher’s guns or your neighbor’s guns.


I’m doing this on Easter because my family took off for their own homes and couches after I filled them up with ham and fixins. Since Easter is the time for rebirth, what better time than to publish an article that will revitalize pro-gunners heartburn. Because we can’t revitalize all the dead folks that have been killed via gun violence this year.  See, Jesus’ resurrection trick was a one-off (much like my Mola Ram allusion in the slug).

So mark your calendars, because today is the day you finally learn the lesson that you need to know. It’s probably impossible for me to teach it to you, but I accept this noble and terrible burden. But you already knew that, whether or not you wanted to admit it. However, you keep on keeping on because it’s fun to stiggit and furthermore and such as. And plus, have you seen that NRA Spokeslady! HUBBAHUBBAHUBBA.


She-could-come-for-my-gun-if-you-know-what-I-mean-and-I-think-you-do-Nudge-Nudge-Wink-Wink. Killer Fact: She’s not coming for your gun, nor is anyone else. Also, she’s an actress who found her niche selling fear to lonely American men. She tried selling beets, but failed because Americans only eat guns, not vegetables.

Students, detractors, critics, choir, members of the black delegation, visitors from Ireland and Slovakia: today’s lesson will help you discover that the argument, “SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED,” is hogwash, and demonstrably false, like the great hogwashes that came before it.

There’s been a ton written about this topic, which is fine. Most people, by this time, have come to the conclusion that the two most radical policy positions that follow are untenable, and too extremist even for “America!”

  • Radical Leftist Policy Position: NO MORE GUNS FOR ANYBODY, EVER!
  • Radical Rightist Policy Position: ALL GUNS FOR EVERYBODY, ALL THE TIME!

You’ve heard them, and so have I. They’re dumbfuck distractions, misdirections by modern Carnival Barkers of the American Fringe. They serve only one purpose: To define what is not acceptable in this policy negotiation and to move back toward the consensus-driven center; the place where Greater Good policymaking and decent governance can find a way forward to stem some of this fucking bloodshed.

America is in a sick place now. The meme goes that the argument was over as soon as pro-gunners decided that we couldn’t even have a conversation about firearms after the tragedy at Sandy Hook. This is problematic, as the only other cultures or societies in history who stood by and washed their hands so cleanly of the deaths of their members were cults.

See that thing there, how “cult” fits right into “culture”?

That’s not an accident.

Ancient civilizations used to regularly sacrifice people in formal ceremonies to win wars, or to bring the rains, or to appease an angry god.

Now the angry god appears with a formal sponsorship from the NRA. And she’s ANGRY. See the anger lines in her face.


She’s disgusted by you, realistically, and by gun-grabbing liberals, metaphorically (or just for the sweet, sweet piles of gun lobby money).

The ancient murders would happen for one reason or another, but everyone agreed they were for a purpose. Couldn’t be stopped. It’s just the way it’s always been. Must happen, or else.

But what is the “or else” if people are dying, now by the dozens? If children aren’t even safe in their schools because our gun cult(ure) has completely taken over?

Who the fuck are we anymore, that the first instinct, when firearms-based violence occurs, is to yell “DON’T TAKE MAH GUNS!” or worse, dumbass shit like, “BUT, CHICAGO!”

No one’s trying to take your guns, you lackluster sack of meat. We’re just trying to have this discussion about what firearms mean to America in an age when mass shootings are going up even as overall violence levels have steadily decreased since the 1970s?

The Sydney Morning Herald wondered aloud, “Oy, what gives, mate?” in the general direction of America last year. Since we were sleeping/drunk, they didn’t get a response. Then, they put together an infographic on how many people were killed in the Vegas shooting, compared against how many people were killed via gun violence in all of Australia last year, versus how many Americans were killed so far in 2017. The following is an image representation of just how many sacrifices have been made this year to the Cult of Gun.

[Update: The infographic’s link was murdered, but since it’s Australia, it was by sharks, not guns. New link goes to Democratic Underground. Since this is a site stereotypically for radical American leftists, I have fired three rounds indiscriminately into the air to appease the gods of objective balance.]

Anyway, fuck your feelings, we’re talking about this.

I will start by shredding the lifeblood of the nonsensical argument that confiscation could ever happen in the U.S.

Years ago, there was a study done. I wish I had made a copy for myself after I read it, just to upload it here because I can’t seem to find it any more. Regardless, the study was a poll of servicemembers (not the 29 Palms survey, either) that posed the question: Would you follow an order to disarm the American people.

80 percent responded that they would not.

10 percent responded that they would.

10 percent responded that they would not only disobey, but they would turn their firearms on anyone giving that order or attempting to follow it.

So basically, 9 out of 10 servicemembers would immediately jail or kill the 10 percent who would seek to disarm the population.

See, it would take an army of individuals to confiscate 350 million firearms from 315 million people. And the U.S. Army said “Fuck right off with that.”

Law enforcement would be the next likely force for confiscation, but anyone thinking city cops, county sheriffs, state troopers or any of the three letter agencies is going to go door-to-door trying to round up “Mah Guns!” then you need help.

Even were that to come to pass, and individual, 2nd Amendment Loving Real Americans had to face trial for their refusal to obey by the confiscation order, defense attorneys would get immediate mistrials by declaring, simply, that no judge or prosecutor could enforce or judge laws over others that they themselves weren’t adhering to.

You know that most judges and attorneys carry, right?

So confiscation is out, whether by force or the arms of enforcement and prosecution.

But it’s a nonstarter anyway. See, these confiscation scenarios playing out in the heads of the “militias” out there are nothing but masturbatory fantasy, a way for people to play at being Rambo (without understanding the utter irony of pretending to be a character who is the modern personification of anti-war conflicted virtue).


You did know that these stories were Anti-War, right? … Oh geez, you might want to sit down for this…

Since confiscation won’t happen, and all-out bans are unlikely, what are people looking for?

Let’s start with consensus. Like how nearly all Americans want Universal Background Checks to be put into place. What UBC means is that someone with a Federal Firearms License would have to exist (with their background checking service) between every buyer and seller. Ninety percent isn’t bad, especially for a country that can’t even agree that Roseanne should stay off the fuckin air.

Yet, these types of polls, which clearly represent a mandate from We, The People, are misdirected from, because someone initiating Americans’ wishes would be like, communism or something. So in come the misdirections, like this strawman, Zero Sum event:


It’s not impossible or even unlikely to have both, you fucking cowards. The two main options outlined above are not diametrically opposed. For the ignorant among you, what that means is that you can have one with the other. We can protect the constitutional right, while also protecting ourselves from violence. By the way, human rights surpass constitutional ones.

Having a UBC in place wouldn’t take all your guns. Background checks, in general, haven’t done that. So you get your constitutional right, and maybe some other asshole has to wait five days longer before shooting up an elementary school. Perhaps in that extra amount of time, local law enforcement will have a littler more ability to check into possible threats.

Other options, like mandating a once-per-lifetime safety class, wouldn’t take your guns either. Yet, there’s significant movement to offer that up. You know, kind of putting it somewhere in line of the Hunter’s Education classes that are offered to grade schoolers by default in many rural (red) states.

Or more yet, like expanding the National Firearms Act one step past fully-automatic weapons to include those with extremely high calibers or that meet certain ballistic qualifications. Since, as we know full well, the NFA didn’t exactly prevent people from owning guns either.

And, just because I’m feeling like a prick, I’m going to impose economic sanctions on every one of you pro-gunners out there who seeks to discredit arguments because someone uses the wrong semantics, like “gun,” or “clip,” or “assault weapon,” or whatever language you ratfucking scumbags use one day but demand other people can’t use the next.

For you folks who just don’t get it, that “SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED” doesn’t actually exist in any society, here’s a more reflective legal argument:

To hold up any static law as scripture is to ensure the slow asphyxiation of that society. Legal documents need to be able to change and grow with the passage of time to reflect today’s reality.

Or, in other words, society can infringe upon it’s founding documents all it wants. The Founding Fathers, in their wisdom of the moment, even built a goddamn way to infringe upon the Constitution INTO THE CONSTITUTION. It’s called the amendment process. Beyond infringements built into the original document, we can add laws all day long. Here are a few that are clear infringements against absolutist notions:

  • The Separation Clause is an infringement on the absolutist right to free expression. Bonus: it’s right their in the First Amendment.
  • Laws regarding Defamation of Character (slander and libel) are infringements on the absolutist right to free expression.
  • Laws regarding Language used to Incite (riots or panics) are infringements on the absolutist right to free expression.
  • Laws against lying to officials (perjury and filing a false police report) are infringements on the absolutist right to free expression.
  • The Gun Control Act preventing you from ordering certain types of guns via mail order catalogs is an infringement on the absolutist right to keep and bear arms. Bonus: this was pushed by the National Rifle Association. Boom, headshot.
  • The National Firearms Act preventing people from owning certain types of firearms without having to go through the ATF first is an infringement on the absolutist right to keep and bear arms. Bonus: this was pushed by the National Rifle Association. Boom, double headshot.
  • The Brady Handgun Violence Prevention Act put background checks in place, thus ensuring that all gun owners lost their rights forever…. Wait, nope, that infringement on the absolutist right to keep and bear arms still allowed people to keep and bear arms. They just had to wait a minute first.
  • The Patriot Act (and every computer-based or social media End User License Agreement you’ve ever agreed to without reading) were all infringements against your reasonable right against search and seizure.
  • And yes, the list goes on.

Only somehow, you still manage to live in one of the most free countries in the world, enjoying all the conveniences that came with being one of the few superpowers alive and the only one untouched after WWII, and the sole hyperpower after the Cold War.

But yeah, tell me how gun legislation is going to let the bad men take your guns.

Or, if you want to be able to stop arguing from a position of ignorance, you can just read all these links about:

Gun death rates in Europe.

We’re Number 1! Guns in America.

We’re Number 1 (Again, but Different!).

Guns, by Country (Wikipedia list).

Gun Violence in America (We’re Number 1 Again!).

Facts vs Fake: Gun Rhetoric.

In The Interest of Public Health.

That Survey the FBI and NRA Used to Use on Gun Numbers.

“More Guns” is a Stupid Fucking Stance.

Bang Bang Sanity.

Arming Teachers Is “F+” Policy

And my favorites: Fuck Your Feelings, or, How the NRA Doesn’t Give A Fuck About You and Started Caring Only For Death.

One comment

  1. […] stupid dummies who believe First Amendment Rights are absolute, here’s a refresher I’ve touched on before. The Government ™ can stomp on your Free Speech, if you use it […]

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