GoT Predictions (spoilers, dick heads)

Alright, I’ve kept this off the blog for a while for two reasons:

  1. It’s way more fun to have these discussions in real life.
  2. I’m fuckin’ lazy.

But now, with Season 7 quickly approaching its last episode in a week, thereby sending me into a fit of rage over having to wait another year to finish everything off and see the Night King take the Iron Throne.

Arya hasn’t yet taken Littlefinger’s face. While his machinations are arguably the reason everything has happened, his death didn’t need to happen on-screen. The desired effect could be had with Arya taking off his face-mask. No one else has used that term yet to describe her face-masks, which means I am so smart and everyone else is dumb.

S+m+r+t+_9ec04b_8346

CLEGANBOWL! (Starts with Beric vs Zombie Mountain, moves forward into Hound vs Zombie Mountain after Beric dies for the last time, being avenged by Hound. Hound’s redemptive character arc thus concludes).

Qyburn takes an awful keen interest in the captured wight.

Dany and Jon have typically dominated end-scenes. This time, it’s the Wall coming down.

Jamie fuckin’ aces Euron. Just because that guy is a serious dick.

Cersei is going to go all Night Queen.

 

Longer term predictions: 

Sam, Tyrion and Arya survive. Martin noted the latter two are he and his wife’s favorites, so they have natural plot armor. Sam is an in-world avatar for Martin and is the narrator (a la Bilbo and Frodo recording There and Back Again and Lord of the Rings).

Dany’s side piece ironically gets hired as a giant mercenary army by Cersei. He bides his time to try and slay her and win Dany. In a callback to the earlier episode where the fighting pits were reopened and he talks big of the faster, quicker guy beating the larger man, he gets fuckin’ owned by Mountain. Sadfaces consume the ‘Net.

Edd, the Nights Watch and the Wildlings fall back to Winterfell, where Brienne and Arya slay motherfuckers with their respective Valyrian steel blades.

Lyanna Mormont rides a bear into battle and generally terrifies everyone.

Jorah dies heroically and is buried on Bear Island.

Tormund and Brienne make monster babies and populate the North with a clan of awkward, radical half-giants.

Euron, if he doesn’t die, gets punched in the dick.

Jon kills Dany to fulfill the Prince That Was Promised prophecy. It’s still needed as they’ve got weapons to kill wights, White Walkers and Dragons in the respective dragonglass, Valyrian Steel, scorpion ballistae and other Dragons. But, we don’t know if any of that will work against the Night King. Jon will have to infuse Longclaw with the blood of his beloved aunt. The Internet grieves for days.

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